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Do all gay men do this? Does Richard Gere? Does the animal get shoved up the anus with a toilet paper roll only to suffocate seconds later? Is it the scratching or the act of killing an animal that gets people off? What gives? Clip and save this column, for I will never discuss gerbils again. To begin, I would like to make a controversial statement:.

That would be uncalled for, because no one would suspect her of concealing a hedgehog. Hundreds of thousands of men and women in this country, my fellow Americans, leave high school convinced that gay men put gerbils in their asses on a semiregular basis. Unlike the denial of our hypothetical dinner party guest—the woman innocent of stuffing hedgehogs into her vagina—my denial of stuffing gerbils is necessitated by the accusation.

Some background: Gerbil stuffing is a sexual practice that straight teenage boys in general, and Howard Stern in particular, suspect gay men in general, and Richard Gere who is not gay in particular, of engaging in. It works like this: Hold a gerbil in your left hand. With the blunt side of the pliers, knock out the teeth in its upper jaw.

Pull all four of its legs off. Leave the tail. Set aside. Take a paper towel roll, grease it up, and insert it into your rectum. Nudge the gerbil into the outside end of the paper towel roll. If for no other reason than to get away from the person who knocked its teeth out, the gerbil leglessly scampers up the wet paper towel roll. The gerbil, now trapped inside your anal cavity, thrashes around, desperate for air. It is this thrashing that provides pleasurable sensations.

Once the gerbil is dead, remove it by pulling on the string. This is known as cognitive dissonance: the holding of mutually exclusive beliefs. All you need is one doomed gerbil and one willing butt hole and pliers, lube, tubes, and string. Some straight people have a peculiar need to believe certain sex acts—usually disgusting ones—are practiced only by gay men, despite evidence to the contrary.

Fisting, for instance. Straight people can and do fist. This curious impulse to credit gay men with sex acts that anyone can perform extends to sex acts straight people themselves are the primary practitioners of. Child rape, for instance. Now, I feel I can write with some authority that no one has ever actually stuffed a gerbil up their butt, perhaps with more authority than I can write that God and angels do not exist.

He was deeply offended when I asked if his horse was a he horse or a she horse. Both in my professional and personal life, thousands of guys have freely admitted to doing the most out-there, dangerous, risky, stupid, kinky stuff. But not once in all these years has anyone ever told me that he, or anyone he knows, or anyone anyone he knows knows, has ever put a gerbil in his ass.